TRYING TO MAKE SENSE

Silpa Srujana

Exhausted from trying to be stronger, exhausted from plastering fake smiles, exhausted from trying too hard, exhausted from total exhaustion. 

Who said it was easy?

Maybe all we need is a tiny little break! A tiny escape and then a push start back to normalcy. It has to be as easy as it sounds, why complicate life when it's already far too complicated.

Go take a long ride, start a new book, or a TV show, binge on movies, maybe binge on food for a while, observe people around you, notice the little things, try some new music, try drawing or writing or cooking, pick a little new hobby, you get my point right?

Get out of your tiny little stuffy boxes once in a while!

We all have troubles, we either find them or they find us, we all have them in our pockets. Everyone is fighting their own battles you can't see. It's all out there. Nobody's painting real rainbows out there. They're very masterfully crafted though, deceptive much.

We are all fighting our own wars.

Every trial was always a means to an end not recognizing that the end is a beginning of another story in itself. No, it never ends. It never stops hurting that it didn't turn out as it was deemed to be. Each step is hard, maybe it gets harder, or its our perception but whatever it is, it does not stop moving. And sure doesn't get easy.

Sometimes it all gets a little bit too much. Or maybe we are just thinking it's too much. How can it even be too much, if you managed to endure it anyway. Yeah, we do tend to tell ourselves that we are carrying burdens more than our capacity, more than we can. Its only the lazy part of our conscience I suppose. I'm not saying we should push ourselves more, I'm saying it is just fine whatever we are thinking is not.

And then there's hope, our hero.

I sometimes think that we should stop hoping that things will get better, and start working on the 'not to further worsen our current misgivings' part.Perhaps its the cynic inside me talking. This cynic never stops counting on hope though. Who does?That's one major fuel that drives me forward, or the only fuel sometimes.

Things progress, support systems start waning out eventually, and as things start turning out to make sense, we realize its always been a one man show after all! 

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

Edward Everett Hale

Who's watching? Nobody.

We might care what people think, what they're going to judge, but the truth is majority of them are too busy with their own pile of misery, they hardly have any time to give a rat's ass of what's happening with you. They may for a fraction of a moment, but who cares? It's just that we are far too busy with our business that we only glance or peek sometimes out of the window once in a while and in that fraction we tend to judge, but we are back with our own mess again.

Others are too busy worrying about themselves to notice!

But is it not eventually beautiful, the part when we look back and smile, smile at our stupidity then, our innocence that no longer exists now. Its one huge cycle or pattern and I'd like to leave that part to the oblivion which I try ignoring to the best of my possibilities.

I recall this in this context....

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
- John Green, Looking for Alaska

These words had a very huge impact. That seemed like the whole point. Once I started to absorb some part of its meaning reality felt a little more sensible. The unknown keeps us going, because its unknown, who knows whats in store, but as humans we humanly gamble with the very thought of finding a bountiful treasure or something of that sort.

So, I quote John Green again.....

“There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does."

- John Green, The Fault in our stars

Well, this might sound like a tangled up mess of complicated words but that makes so much sense in the weirdest of the possible ways.

At the end of the day you don't even know what for you're doing all this anymore. Some say you need a purpose, I see no need whatsoever. If you have a zeal to do something, I guess the need will present itself. 

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” 
―  Frederich Nietzsche

And also,

CARPE DIEM!